B-World

As it was explained to me:

You see, you thought you would create this cool B-World, and you have shit like a pirate, and an electric shark… and you even had Morgan Freeman, and a big monster. But what you DIDN’T KNOW is that this combination of funky creatures would eventually kill you (because of their vicious ways).

How bman are you?

Lately I’ve been aware of my ‘quirks’ and well, why not share them!

Yes nets you 2 points, No gets you 1 point, and NA gives to 0 points.

q1: You eat cereal at night

q2: When you leave a Quickimart or Gas Station, you slow down as you leave to check your height on the colored height stick by the door

q3: Your daily commute to work takes more than 45 minutes

q4: You freely fart/burp in front of your girlfriend/boyfriend

q5: Video games have forever altered your perception of death (phoenix down) and a person’s characteristics (stats)

q6: You own more cough/sore throat/headache medicine than all your friends

q7: You have been known to skip the washroom before driving somewhere because you’ll get there faster (even if you have to go)

q8: You are totally fascinated by all things economic policy/theory

q9: When you think of something funny, you laugh out loud (in the car, public places, bathroom)

q10: Daniel Craig is the best bond yet

q11: You think that fighting the bell curve (diversity) is about as clever as trying to stop evolution

q12: You get personally insulted when your first try does not open the messy jam jar

q13: Books seem cool when you buy them, but really, who are you kidding, you don’t read

q14: You get excited when you find a new brand of face scrub (guys) or lip gloss (girls)

q15: Despite never getting a subscription, you’ve been buying the same magazine for years

What your point total means will come at some point. Maybe.

Planet Earth and sun

Planet Earth. Unbelievably looking, HD documentaries on all things nature/geography, the only thing it’s missing is outerspace. Shit trips my balls all over the place.

Sun. The sun is great, and it makes me do tons of shit: crack jokes that are funny, not care about things, tip pizza guys more, optimism and more.

Apartment search

The lease is up and with it, brings the search for a new lair.

I visited the first potential place last night and holy fuck, what an unholy shit-hole it was. It had that white peeling paint on the walls and cuboards, the smell of death and the landlord. Now granted, the guy was nice, but if he hadn’t been a pleasant person, he would for sure be involved in pedophiliactic activities. The straggly grey hair combed over a bald spot, the obesity — it felt like I was in a movie.

The conclusion for place #1: an apartment where poor people go to die.

Weighing in at….

…a stupifying 140.8 pounds. How is this even possible for a 6″2 man who eats mostly junk food? I’m sitting pretty at 18.1 BMI, which technically is ‘underweight’ by just one BMI. That said, I’m finally adjusting into my new life/work/girlfriend/friends schedule, and the gym visits are slowly starting to increase. The goal: 10 pounds by July.

Dear thief

I just have one question for the man/woman/child who stole my windshield wiper blades while I was parked downtown.

WHAT THE FUCK???!

Really that is some shit you are on my friend. Do they even make locks for wipers right now? Reminds me of a rest stop in BC where they had the urinal chained and bolted to the wall. Are wipers the new urinals?

Tails of the bellcurve

Lately I’ve been running into the tails of the normal distribution.

Smells. After a few days of a rotting smell in my car (and no evidence in the backseat), I found a 2-foot platter of rotting sandwiches in my trunk. All I had to put them in was a American Eagle bag, which now sits in the dumpster behind my work.

Traffic. The insane drivers of the Asian Bus Tours need to be stopped! I swear these little men going 140 km are trying to kill drivers of small cars.

Poo. Shit can be really messy and disgusting sometimes.

People. Call me arrogant, but how are so many people living and coming up with nothing in terms of personality? I’m at idiot first, and smart second, but even I manage to salvage some semblance of interesting characteristics.

Halo 3

At my place, a lot of Halo 3 gets played. It’s spawned a new language too, including such gems as….

“Shit-Touched”:
1) the act getting your shit touched by another (i.e., being ass fucked),
2) getting killed during a match.

Yeah bitch! Like getting your shit touched?!
I can’t get a shot off, these guys are touching our shit.

“They’re over here”:
1) a meaningless statement about where the other team is,
2) a high likelihood that the player who said it is seconds from death.

I found them, they’re over here!
Yeah douchebag that helps a lot, why don’t you use a fucking reference point.

“13-year olds”:
1) online players that are much better than you,
2) a term used to excuse a loss online

Playing all these fucking 13-year olds.